Posts Tagged ‘relationship’

What is a Change Strategist Anyway?

Monday, June 7th, 2010 by admin

The Change Strategist…?  What do you do?

In fact, that is precisely the question I was hoping for as I established ‘The Change Strategist’ as my occupational title when I founded Drop in the Pond.

One of the greatest differences between my approach and what some people may have experienced in the past with a therapeutic process or coaching, is that first and foremost I don’t believe that change always has to take a long time, or that it always has to be difficult and painful .

If you know me, or if you have heard me speak, you may have heard me say that my absolute favourite thing to do is to help people slow down just long enough so that you can discover where you are unfulfilled or where you may be settling in your life.  And then what I do is explore with questions and experiential processes to discover those sought after A-HA moments that begin to reshape your reality.

More specifically what I do is I meet with people one on one, and through conversation we develop some commonalities and understanding about the types of things I am paying attention to. By adding options and perspectives to the way you see and feel things leading up to this moment, you automatically begin to have different reactions and responses from now on. They say knowledge is power ~ wisdom is integrated knowledge that actually changes your world.

When I talk about experiential processes, what I am referring to is that we don’t just think with our brains.

The ‘thinking’ process actually happens in other parts of our bodies - and you know this when you get a ‘gut feeling’ about something or when your chest tightens if you are anxious.

It is why unconscious body language exists! Your body unconsciously contributes to the things you think - and this becomes a part of the programs you run.  Within what you ‘experience’ both in your mind with the thoughts you have and the indicators your body gives you, we find valuable information.

You see, I know that we all have a history - a detailed past that for some is very troubling and even horrific.  Others look back and think that the have coasted along through life without much problem or too many eventful situations.  Either way, we have learned how to do what we are doing (consciously or otherwise) and you may have finally decided that you aren’t happy or that you aren’t quite where you want to be in life and maybe you even have something specific that you want to change or do differently.

My approach is to explore where your barriers are - what fears are holding you back, how do you self-sabotage?  When you find yourself upset and angry, what are the values that you are unconsciously defending and how can you incorporate them to come to a resolution that maintains your own personal strength and integrity?

One of the things that people really appreciate about working with me is that I don’t actually need to hear about the context of what you are going through.  That is to say, I don’t need all the details of your story in order to be effective.  It can be very comforting for a perspective client to know that you and I do not have to dig up all of the past in order for you to move forward today.

The reason for this is that I pay attention to the structure of the ‘issues’ you come into my office with now.  I pay attention to HOW you are doing what you do and to what supports the pattern of behaviour or thinking, in order for it to remain.  When we discover the unconscious or subconscious (however you think about it) programs and patterns that are in play, we can then insert options and other possibilities which impact your results.  And when we make shifts in the structure of the problem, you don’t have to consciously "remember to be different" - you simply operate from a new pattern - a new way of being that supports how you want to live your life.

Oftentimes it is relationship challenges that bring people to my office.  Other times it is a particular problem at work - and a lot of the time there are overlaps.  We notice our limitations and the walls we hit in both personal and professional aspects of our lives.  Here are just a couple that I notice on a daily basis.

In your personal life do you find you are:

  • Concerned about what other people think or say about you?
  • Putting yourself second, third or more commonly, LAST?
  • Unhappy with your physical health and yet not doing anything about it?
  • Judgemental towards others and their choices?
  • Stuck in an unpleasant mood or emotion such as irritation, shame, guilt, grief, jealousy, hurt, or loneliness?
  • Uncomfortable talking to new people or asking for help?
  • Often blaming the situation, other people or your ‘bad luck’ for what goes wrong?
  • Wishing and hoping for things to be different?

In your professional life is it familiar for you to:

  • Be nervous when asked to speak to a group?
  • Procrastinate and put off tasks?
  • Second guess or doubt your decisions and abilities?
  • Hesitate or not ask for assistance because it might not "look good"?
  • Get frustrated and feel dumped on?
  • Feel upset when someone else seems to be on a power trip?
  • Wish you had more confidence and self esteem?
  • Look down on other people and compare yourself?

My philosophy is that as humans, it is our responsibility to seek the help we need when you need it.  Fundamentally, life is meant to be peaceful, enjoyable, rewarding, fun, connected and fulfilling among many other wonderful things.  If yours is not, let me help you discover a map to live your best life NOW.

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Can I work on myself while in relationship?

Sunday, November 1st, 2009 by admin

Something stuck with me after group a while ago, and it’s a question I have heard before.

Often when relationship is in crisis or partners are unhappy yet not really sure why, they think that the only way to become ‘happy’ is to leave the relationship.  A departure intended to allow them to ‘find’ themselves.

This is not always feasible, nor is it always the best choice when considering the family structure and dynamics. (i.e. children, finances etc.)  That being said, I do not advocate staying in any situation where there is abuse or danger of any sort.

Often a person is left feeling hopeless because they are sure that the only way for them to ’sort through their feelings’ is OUTSIDE of the situation, remedied by leaving a marriage or relationship.

Interestingly enough, the majority of the work likely has to do with the person’s ‘INSIDE’….and modifying the OUTSIDE in this way may only put off, prolong or mask the underlying issues and growth that needs to occur.

One of the things I have learned is that it is POSSIBLE to change/heal/grow/improve while still in relationship - and something to clarify is that there isn’t an ‘END’, there isn’t a ‘finish’ to the change/healing/growth we are all intended to experience. (Though the crisis or peak or intensity that one might be in right now does subside) Personal evolution is not a process that will be ‘done’ - but in taking time to explore our structures such as values, beliefs, motivators, feelings, root causes and emotions,  people definitely have more certainty and clarity about who they are and when they may be responding from an old pattern or the ‘old you’ as I often refer to it.

In order to do the work while IN relationship, it takes a few things that certainly aren’t limited to the following:

1) BOUNDARIES - clean boundaries and respect for your own and your partner’s boundaries and present limitations

2) A WILLINGNESS TO BE WRONG and to be truthful about it

3) RISK -  risk doing something different than you have done before if you want to get a different result.  This can be really scary and is usually what prevents a step forward.  The chance that something will be uncomfortable or even ‘weird’ sometimes overpowers an unknown option or possibility.

4) A DECISION TO BE OK with not knowing -even for a little while.  My own past included a core belief that it was not safe to “not know” and I would worry about the future and hesitate, based on what the made up predictions and stories were about people’s reactions and results.  I now own a core of comfort;  I trust that not knowing everything is ok :) - and I counter it with curiosity instead of concern and worry.

5) NOT BEING ATTACHED TO THE OUTCOME - similar but slightly different than the being ok with not knowing.  We can’t always control it, we can’t always predict it and we can’t always change it if we don’t like it - but if we live life attached to the outcome we miss out on NOW.  And personally, I would rather let NOW be the predominant time in my life rather than what may or may not happen later on.

6) GIVE YOURSELF ‘ROOM’ while growing, learning & considering risking a new behaviour or way of thinking.  Do this by only applying it to this time, instead of linking future meaning with the risked change.  i.e. If you decide to interrupt an old pattern of behaviour it does NOT mean you will always have to do ‘it’ from now on.

For example:

Client OLD BEHAVIOUR: I would REACT (get angry) as a result of feeling like I had been dismissed in a conversation

Client NEW BEHAVIOUR: I chose to RESPOND by viewing the other person with 100% compassion and non-judgement around their behaviour, trusting that they are doing the best that they know how (even if it isn’t how I would choose for them to act) while taking  ownership of MY STUFF causing MY REACTION & casting meaning that “I don’t count enough…etc. “

The change was possible based on the condition that it was a risk for THIS TIME ONLY.  Meaning the client did not have to promise others or self that “this is how I was going to be from here on out…..” which made it ok to TRY a different pattern or response.

Having witnessed shifts in many people, ‘doing the work’ while remaining in relationship takes commitment and determination AND it is possible.  This growth can enable people to contribute as gift to relationship (further discussion on gift vs. transaction for payment will come in a future post) without old expectations and needs put on the other person.  The lessons we are meant to learn will resurface again and again whether we stay in relationship or move on.  I say let’s learn when the opportunities present themselves!

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